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Just a bit of Thanksgiving humor...
 
 

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation......
The thought of a snack became infatuation.....
So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
 
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!
 
I crashed through the ceiling.  Floating into the sky....
With a mouthfull of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I sored past the trees....................
 
                       HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!
                  PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !!
 
 

  He laid her on the table
  So white clean and bare.
  His forehead wet with beads of sweat
  He rubbed her here and there.
  He touched her neck and then her breast
  And then drooling felt her thigh.
  The slit was wet and all was set,
  He gave a joyus cry.
  The hole was wide...he looked inside
  All was dark and murky.
  He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........

            And then he stuffed the turkey.
 
 

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.  The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.  During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.  Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.  We expect a warming trend where soup develops.  By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
 
-Elliot Abrams, excerpted from the forthcoming book, "Weather Prognosticators and the Media: Fallacies, Facts, and Fun in Forecasting", by Norm Macdonald
 
 

THE TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO

                THANKSGIVING BREAK
 

10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball

 9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper

 8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello

 7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper

 6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days

 5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall...in below freezing weather

 4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts.  Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!"

 3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave

 2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own
 

 AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO
             THANKSGIVING... (drum roll, please...)
 

 1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!
 
 
 

From the HAND (Have a Nice Day humor mailing list):

                  A Thanksgiving Cookbook
              by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class

  note: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook

  Ivette - Banana Pie:
  You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.

  Russell - Turkey
  You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

  Geremy - Turkey
  You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat.

  Andrew - Pizza
  Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

  Shelby - Applesauce
  Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.

  Meghan H. - Turkey
  You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

  Danny - Turkey
  You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

  Brandon - Turkey
  First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.

  Megan K - Chicken
  You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it.

  Christa - Cookies
  Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.

  Irene - Turkey
  Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it and then eat.

  Moriah - Turkey
  First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.

  Vincent - Turkey
  You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19 degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.

  Jordyn - Turkey
  First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.

  Grace - Turkey
  First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.

  Alan - Turkey
  First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it.

  Jordan Salvatore- Turkey
  First you put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 100 degrees. Then you cut it up and then you eat it.

  Jordan Simons - Chocolate Pudding
  Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.

  Whitney - Turkey
  Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it.

  Jason - Chicken Pie
  Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.

  Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
  First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.

  Christine - Turkey
  First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees. Then you cut it up and you eat it.

  Ashley - Chicken
  Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.

  Jennie - Corn
  My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.

  Jordan - Cranberry Pie
  Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

  Adam - Pumpkin Pie
  First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

  Jarryd -       Deer Jerky
  Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.

  Christina - Turkey
  Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35 degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.

  Joplyn - Apple Pie
  Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.

  Isabelle - Spaghetti
  Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

  Bailey - Chicken
  Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it.

  Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
  First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.

  Sean - Turkey
  Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it.

  Lauren - Turkey
  First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan.  Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.

  Olivia - Corn
  Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then put it on a plate. Then eat.

  Siera - Pumpkin Pie
  Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon. Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.

  Kayla - Turkey
  Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1 hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.

  Tommy - Pumpkin
  Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin

  Wai - Pumpkin Pie
  Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
 
 
 

You know your family is dysfunctional if Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
 
 
 

Some anagrams for "Turkey and Dressing."

Redundant Grey Skis
Resident Drunk Gays
Ten Kid Sand Surgery
Kindred Greasy Nuts
Dry As Resident Gunk
 
 
 

Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren't.....

1) Reach in and grab the giblets.

2) Whew, that's one terrific spread!

3) I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

4) Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.

5) Talk about a huge breast!

6) "and he forced his way into the end zone..."

7) She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.

8) It's Cool Whip time!!!!

9) If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!

10) It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!
 
 

                    FROM MARTHA STEWART'S
                    Thanksgiving-January To Do List

1.  Blanch the carcass from your Thanksgiving turkey, taking care to
remove all meat, cartilage and sinew.  Dry carcass thoroughly.  Spray
paint the carcass gold, turn it upside down, and use it as a sleigh to
hold holiday greeting cards.

    2.  Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers and elf uniforms.

        3.  Deflate your car tires and re-fill them with Glade Holiday Scented
        air.  This way, when your tires get shot out or slashed at the mall,
        they will release a fresh, cheery scent.

            4.  Organize your spice rack by genus and phylum.

                5.  When you receive your new phone book, use the old one as a
                personal address book by simply crossing out the names and addresses
                of people whom you don't know.

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